What Tinder taught me.
Tinder is a marketplace. You go in with a grocery list, you will most likely exit with things you can build proper sustainable meals with. You wander in hungry and aimless, chances are you will be making bad decisions and stocking up on junk food.
The dating world changed so much when I re-entered it few years back. Thirteen years ago my (ex) husband was met through work, and my previous boyfriend or two were from high school. That was it. Now this app provided a plethora of preening males scoured by radial proximity and age range right at a callous swipe. If there is one thing these platforms encourage as I have learnt soon after; it is intolerance and instant gratification. Intolerance because we can easily dismiss who and what we do not like over the most trivial reason and never to be accountable for anything. The dopamine hits of validation and reward also counteracts our ability to experience true and deep intimacy with another without peripheral distractions.
First thing I did was set an intention. I wanted to meet men who were sincere and truly interesting. So this is me getting my grocery list straight. We need to be truthful and honest about what we want. Then we can confidently convey it to the world and see what sticks. With this, I never had an incorrigible date or met jerks. My boundaries were always respected, my experiences were most often pleasant. I did meet a self absorbed pretentious chap or two but nothing that traumatised me and left a sour taste in my mouth. I also never experienced ghosting from the other party.
Tinder taught me that when people say what they say, we must take it at face value. If men say they are looking to just hook up, then that is exactly what they are here to do. I say Men because we women, are a different twisted story altogether. While men can compartmentalise work, life, dating, sex and dictate what they want from each category; we women operate from a more feelings complex. This means that we are emotionally tuned to the entire experience of the opposite sex. To us, flowers, romance, sex, dates, marriage, life are one huge sphere of existence. There is no distinct separation.
Women will invest in the total experience while men can meet you like it is a stand alone date then carry on with their thing. This is where the frustration lies. We are pursuing an illusion of some sort of relationship when the other party never had any intention of committing in the first place. I have observed that men are typically clear with their words and their actions. It is us who choose to selectively listen or not listen at all. Of course those who are flaky and give us inconsistent signals are to be red-flagged at all cost.
Now, if a man is truly interested in you they will show it and you will know it. As you progress the fit may not be all that right after all. And that is okay. We need to understand that people are allowed to change their minds, that we may experience a change of heart. Some are in just for the thrill of the chase and high. When that ebbs, they lose interest and tend to seek out the next high to stroke their vapid ego. Some have calculated their options and decided that you are not worth that much effort after all. There might be something already on standby requiring way less attention and energy. Do not take things personally and graciously let go when the tides turn. Instead, reflect on the interaction and ask yourself what you have learnt from it all. Every encounter, however fleeting offers deep lessons and medicine.
What is the distinction between a friendship and a romantic relationship? The sex, to put it bluntly. The brain may be in sync and so is the heart centre, but it is the sex centre that clearly defines such relationships. There is more to it and I am just putting it in a rudimentary manner. If sex is a struggle, then there are compatibility issues. If a kiss sparks only a ‘meh’ from the get go, chances are it won’t get better further down the line. Our bodies are always giving us signals to tell us things. A Yes or No is often felt whole bodily. But yet, the logical mind will overrule and ask us to test and re-test until the results improve. Too often we stay and try to fix things so that we do not forsake everything else. However, our sex centre is very instinctual and reptilian. It connects through smell of pheromones on a very sub conscious level. Trust our body’s reactions as it is wiser than we give it credit for. Be honest and communicate what you feel.
Nowadays women are so disconnected from their bodies and cycles that do not know how to claim sovereignty of their body. We need to pay attention to what happens to us physically after we have intimately interacted with another. The masses rave over Big Dick Energy when what we need to be more discerning of is Bad Dick Energy. Do we feel extremely tired, drained, & inexplicably depressed or do we feel good and vibrant after an interaction? A disrupted cycle, extremely heavy periods are all signs that our sacred sacral centre has been violated. Copulate with a lover who is stressed and in a fog of illusion and you will exhibit those energetics too. A lover who is disconnected from sex and views it as shameful or taboo will also leave you with disembodied feelings of guilt and unworthiness. The final physical manifestation of all shames, taboo, guilt related to sex are venereal diseases. Genital warts, PH imbalances in the yoni, crabs, gonorrhoea, i.e.… are indicator that emotional issues & trauma in the root and sacral need to be addressed.
Tinder was a means for me to experience a part of life that I now see with fresh lens. I do not regret my interactions because it taught me so much about myself in a very short time. I learnt about managing my energy levels and psychic sensitivities. I learnt to see how I was caught up in a lot of theories in my head about relationships and sex based on literature without realising the challenge of truly experiencing it. All that I consciously participated in brought me back down to earth and back into my body. It made me better appreciate my worth, value, time, and energy plus set down healthy boundaries.