Enduring Friendships
What makes our connection to another last over the test of time?
When I re-connect back to a childhood friend, the formula plays out the same. It is as though we never parted ways. The conversation picks up like it never left off. There are no awkward gaps and lulls. We will catch up on common things like parents, siblings, work, and then it will be about expanding interests, new hobbies, and further down the rabbit hole it will be about life and how we truly are navigating it. The conversations are always real beneath the veneer of everything else we project onto the world.
Healthy boundaries is the first important bastion. We do not make a flustered effort to be more involved in each other’s life. We listen and just be. Your children are yours, they are not mine. Your spouse is yours and not necessarily by proxy my friend either. Boundaries allow us to respect each other’s decisions and growth. It allows us to carve the time and space for one another when both parties can commit and readily meet. There is no unhealthy dependency. We are not caught up in their constant life battles and wondering how we can protect and save them. But there is always a safe knowing that if you ever, ever need help, these people will offer you the help you need. That shoulder to lean on, that firm advice that is totally sensible, cash to tide you over, a couch to crash, a car to lend. And if the roles were reversed, you would too do everything within your means to help them.
Maintaining a long lasting friendship is like two ships signalling to each other over the ocean’s waters. We each are on our own trajectory but never too important or busy to ping one another. When time permits, and if we each are willing to alter the route just a little, we can then meet no matter how briefly. Those genuine interactions are what keeps the bond enduring. Somewhere, in the vast ocean of life, we have still chosen to veer slightly off course to meet and share time together. It is a constant effort to check-in over the years.
Friendships are not bought over expensive gifts and lavish meals. It is the ability of being vulnerable without the fear of being ridiculed and judged. It is the OK to admit that your children are a stressful handful, that you are jaded in your job and in life, or even the fact that you truly never wanted to have children anyway. And even if they feel this way for some time, you are always there to offer some form of comfort or support. They are after all, their own people. And you have consciously chosen these people to be part of your life.
Enduring friendships often mean that we keep in touch because we genuinely like each other. There is a core essence of our nature that is open-heartedly accepted. It is said that to truly know someone takes time. Well, that is true is you want to investigate and analyse all parts of their behaviour and psyche. The bypass to all that is to tap into the nature of their heart. The language of the heart will let you know all that there is to know about this person. Do you resonate with and respect these qualities of theirs? Part of curating your life is about participating in exchanges that are mutually enriching and meaningful.
Perhaps the formula to any successful relationship be it a marriage or a friendship is about healthy boundaries, heartfelt communication, and respect. What makes the friendship part a true test of our endurance or faith is simply the fact that there is no contract (unlike marriage or a sacred union) that energetically or legally binds you to another. You chose to be friends because you want to. You remember their birthday because it is emblazoned in your memory. You remember their spice tolerance and body aches because you are present in the sharing.
Of course, not all long friendships last forever. Physical death aside, we grow apart, have different priorities, or just become overbearing with weak boundaries. That is fine. We let things go not because we did not fight or because we are a failure. We let things go because that is the natural cycle of life. We can choose and we can also unchoose. Knoweth this. But for all those who have met us halfway, those who held space without judgement and with full presence, you too have played the same part in reciprocity. And this is what allows for enduring friendships. By being you and by being present consistently over the years. Give yourself a pat on the back for being able to commit and show up for another time and time again. You deserve it.
Meery meet and merry part. And merry meet again. Aho!
